Lost in a dream...within a dream...

Sometimes I sit and think so hard trying to find the words to write.....trying to bring to the pages what I really feel inside. I think that at times I know what I really want to write, but am afraid to really write it down. So I sit and think of other things to write instead. Well, thats just not being honest with you, and thats just not being true to this body of work. I re-read my latest journals and I admit they are a little sad. Especially the one about my son. But when I wrote it that is what was at the forefront of my mind and that was how I was truelly feeling . Nothing has really changed with my son as of yet, but at least acknowledging how I feel by sharing it with you is helping me really see things as they are. Maybe in some this will help me find a way to restore the love and fun in my relationship with him.

I have been finding myself thinking alot about love lately. I notice that I daydream and fantasize even. A part of me says that I shouldn't be feeling this way , but as I've said before....you cannot control how you feel, you just do. I was lying in bed last night thinking of so many things......mainly about how happy I feel surrounded by love. I asked myself "if I was able to pick any dream and really live the dream.....which dream would I choose?" After this I layed my head back, closed my eyes and let my mind wander. Here is what I saw:

I saw an exotic, warm, enchanting place full of magic and mystery. I saw myself as if I was hovering above myself.............and I was beautiful. I was the total vision of health and natural beauty. My whole being just radiating love.

I saw myself with a slender willowly body. My skin was smooth and fair. The most luxurious long wavy golden hair tumbles down my bare shoulders like ribbons of bright light. I'm wearing the softest Ivory silken robe. A long fragile silver chain hangs around my delicate neck. On the chain hangs a single pink crystal shaped like a heart....which gently rests between my breasts.

I'm waiting for my lover to come to me this warm starlit night. He rides the finest white stallion through the lush forest, sorrounded by the scent of the warm night air. He is the finest man I have ever known. His eyes are as blue as the ocean. His smile melts my heart. His skin is fair and smooth. I find myself longing to run my fingers through his wavy hair and softly caress his cheek.

My heart races as I wait for him to come to me. I imagine his strong arms embracing me in the warm summer breeze. The feel of his cheek touching mine. I remember every detail about him. His scent. The way he touches me.......the way he makes me feel. The feel of his lips kissing mine...

I find myself lost in a dream within a dream.. I ache for him to come to me this night. Maybe he will take me with him somewhere magical...and adventure perhaps. Maybe he will stay with me all night this time. We could love each other under the stars in the soft warmth of my bed till sunrise.

And finally he arrives....

Well, I never even knew I could write like this. Maybe I should try writing romance novels. So I guess to answer my question at the very beginning of this journal, my dream that I would wish to really live is one of eternal love and beauty. The whole idea of being in love makes my heart sing. I feel as though I could fly away. The most magical times of my life are when I am in love......and sharing my love with my soulmate.

I realize that this book will definately change me and my confessions to you will no doubt change the shape of my future.

...............But without these words, and without my own truth...there is no book to write.

I pray to the goddess who brings so much goodness to my life to continue to give me strength to continue on my path.....and courage to keep sharing my heart.

Maya