I havn't written for a few days as I've been working. I've barely had the energy to get through the days at the hospital due to the constant pain all over my body. Needles to say, I havn't had time to work on my journaling. The one thing that does keep me going is that I know that I am a good nurse, and every day I'm at the hospital, I know that someone special needs my help. I do feel at the end of the day that the care I have given others does make a difference.
I really do love nursing, but the twelve hour shifts on my feet are really doing me in. I'm working really hard to heal my achy body when I can. I eat a healthy diet, and try to exercise regularily. I also do yoga at home for flexibility. Unfortunately, I'm working against time, genetics, and arthritis which is settling in all my joints with no mercy. My feet and ankles are getting hit the hardest with the arthritis. Not that I'm trying to complain, but on top of the pain and stiffness from the arthritis, I'm dealing with some major gynecological problems which I've been putting off for as long as I can.....but they now must be addressed. Honestly, I know the occupation I have chosen has served me well, but I know it's slowing coming to a close.
I feel that I am being called apon by something higher to explore my other talents and gifts. Maybe it's the goddess's way of gently pushing me to achieve my hearts desire. Maybe...just maybe, when I am positioned to explore other options in my life like having more time to write my journals, work on my photography, explore the wilderness, or maybe even travel a little....... maybe then my body will start to realign itself to fully heal.
I'm not sad that I'm a nurse as I feel I've touched many lives in a positive way. I have given much love and understanding. I find comfort in knowing that I'm not on this pathway of my life alone. The great mother of all is gently guiding me in all her mysterious ways.
I just must keep the faith that the life I see in my minds eye is slowing manifesting as each day passes.
Maya xoxoxo
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A home within a home...
I'm just enjoying the beauty of the morning,
the warmth of our bed....and you.
My home exudes warmth and happiness.
It's sunday morning. I awake to the sound of silence. Our bedroom is on the second floor and situated at the far end of the hall. When the door is closed, it is like it's a completely separate place...it's my secret world in my room.
When Jim and I were looking to buy a new home, we weren't exactly sure what we were looking for. When there was an openhouse for this home, we decided to have a look. From the moment we entered the front door of the house, I knew we'd be living here someday.
The house was just opening it's arms to welcome us in. When we walked up to the second floor and went into the master bedroom, I completely fell in love with it. It was everything I dreamt of and more. It's like a home within a home. Our bedroom is twenty six feet long by sixteen feet wide. It has an amazing ensuite bathroom with a jucuzzi bathtub and a tiled walk in shower with a Rainforest Showerhead. The bedroom also has glass sliding doors which open up onto a beautiful wooden balcony that overlooks our large fenced in back yard. The most beautiful oak tree is beside the balcony provided much needed shade in the summertime.
Needless to say, once I saw this room, I knew we had to find a way to be here.
My bedroom is my sanctuary. It provides me with peace and serenity. When I'm up here I can turn the rest of the world out. My children can have friends over and make as much noise as they want (and they do), and I hear nothing up here in my room. Jim even put an electric fireplace up here for warmth in the cold months, and we found the nicest, plush sofa and love seat for the far corner of our room. It's the kind of sofa that you just sink into with lots of cushions. It's wonderful to lie or sit on with a nice cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up with a book.
My bedroom is my favorite place to have friends in. I can completely relax up here. My friends always say they feel so relaxed when they are here as well. Sometimes when the stereo is playing some of my favorite cd's and the fireplace is going, I feel as though I'm in my own secret world.
I know I won't be living in this house forever, but I can't imagine leaving my bedroom either. I'd have to design a room exactly like this one for our new house when we move.
It looks like Jim has fallen back asleep beside me. I'ts a wonderful Sunday morning . I'm writing this journal as I lie here in bed. I have to be honest in saying that I really don't want to go to work today. I'm scheduled at the hospital for three to eleven pm shift. There are so many other things here at home I'd rather be doing.
I suppose I need to look at my nursing as just a means to creating the life that I really want right now...because truthfully, thats all it is to me right now. Just a vehichle to get me from one place to another.
I feel I have so much to tell you lately. I can't wait to write to you again soon,
Till tomorrow then,
Maya xoxoxox
Gratitude...
Today I feel gratitude for everything I have in my Life.
For the most part I love the life that I have created. As each day passes I realize more and more that It's me alone who holds the paintbrush which paints on the canvas of my life. I see things now that need to be changed and know that I'm the one who needs to make these changes.
I know the first step is figuring out what I really want my life to be. Where do I see myself living? What do I see myself doing to reach my full potential for true contentment and happiness? Which people do I see with me along the way? To some people these may sound like simple questions, but if one is to answer each of these questions completely honestly without worrying about what others will think, the task becomes much more difficult.
For myself, the thing that seems to be at the forefront of my mind is my career. I find that I really have to push myself to leave the house to go to work anymore. It's not that I don't want to work, it's just that my heart isn't in it. My heart wants to stay home and create the reality I see in my minds eye.
I feel excited about finding time to write my journals. I find myself wanting to be home...closer to my children and my Jim. I'm focused on creating a warm and inviting home for my family and I to enjoy. I have never really been interested in looking at home furnishings and creature comforts before in my life, but lately find myself deriving great pleasure from making my home as comfortable as possible. Maybe it's all a sign I'm getting older...
I think that I may be subconsciously working on creating the perfect environment for me to work in at home some day. I find myself feeling frustrated at times because I want changes to happen faster for me. I know that all change takes time, and that I just have to keep focused on what I'm trying to achieve and keep moving towards it.
As far as people in my life, I'm really happy with my Jim. He's my best friend in the world. I can't see myself enjoying anything I've achieved without him to share it with. Not having Jim with me would be like a day without sunshine.
My children are such a big part of my life. I'd like my relationship to be closer with each of my children. They are both teenagers now and it's so hard sometimes. They just won't let me in. They keep things from me. It hurts a lot. I've always been there for them. I wish they would come to me more with their problems, or to just share time with me. My relationship with my daughter is not bad, but I would like to make it better. I just need to keep trying. My son and I have a lot of work to do together. It's been a struggle with him for as long as I can remember. I know I just have to keep loving him and not to give up on him.
If I had to admit one thing that causes me sadness, it would be my relationship with my son. I really need to create a more loving relationship with him....I will find a way.
Maya xoxo
For the most part I love the life that I have created. As each day passes I realize more and more that It's me alone who holds the paintbrush which paints on the canvas of my life. I see things now that need to be changed and know that I'm the one who needs to make these changes.
I know the first step is figuring out what I really want my life to be. Where do I see myself living? What do I see myself doing to reach my full potential for true contentment and happiness? Which people do I see with me along the way? To some people these may sound like simple questions, but if one is to answer each of these questions completely honestly without worrying about what others will think, the task becomes much more difficult.
For myself, the thing that seems to be at the forefront of my mind is my career. I find that I really have to push myself to leave the house to go to work anymore. It's not that I don't want to work, it's just that my heart isn't in it. My heart wants to stay home and create the reality I see in my minds eye.
I feel excited about finding time to write my journals. I find myself wanting to be home...closer to my children and my Jim. I'm focused on creating a warm and inviting home for my family and I to enjoy. I have never really been interested in looking at home furnishings and creature comforts before in my life, but lately find myself deriving great pleasure from making my home as comfortable as possible. Maybe it's all a sign I'm getting older...
I think that I may be subconsciously working on creating the perfect environment for me to work in at home some day. I find myself feeling frustrated at times because I want changes to happen faster for me. I know that all change takes time, and that I just have to keep focused on what I'm trying to achieve and keep moving towards it.
As far as people in my life, I'm really happy with my Jim. He's my best friend in the world. I can't see myself enjoying anything I've achieved without him to share it with. Not having Jim with me would be like a day without sunshine.
My children are such a big part of my life. I'd like my relationship to be closer with each of my children. They are both teenagers now and it's so hard sometimes. They just won't let me in. They keep things from me. It hurts a lot. I've always been there for them. I wish they would come to me more with their problems, or to just share time with me. My relationship with my daughter is not bad, but I would like to make it better. I just need to keep trying. My son and I have a lot of work to do together. It's been a struggle with him for as long as I can remember. I know I just have to keep loving him and not to give up on him.
If I had to admit one thing that causes me sadness, it would be my relationship with my son. I really need to create a more loving relationship with him....I will find a way.
Maya xoxo
Thoughts on Love...
I dream of a day that I can just me myself,
and not have to hide my feelings for you anymore...
Maya 2008
Thoughts on Love...
My mind drifts off
to far off places with you.
I wonder if your aware
of all the places we have been
together in my minds eye...
Maya 2008
to far off places with you.
I wonder if your aware
of all the places we have been
together in my minds eye...
Maya 2008
Thoughts on Love...
When I am in your arms
I feel we become one.
A feeling of total completeness
sorrounds me.
Maya 2008
I feel we become one.
A feeling of total completeness
sorrounds me.
Maya 2008
Thoughts on Love...
When we make love
I lose a sense of myself...
And for a brief time
there is only us...
Maya 2008
I lose a sense of myself...
And for a brief time
there is only us...
Maya 2008
Thoughts on Love...
For me, to find true love
is the greatest gift one can receive.
Heaven is love to me...
Maya 2008
is the greatest gift one can receive.
Heaven is love to me...
Maya 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Lost in a dream...within a dream...
Sometimes I sit and think so hard trying to find the words to write.....trying to bring to the pages what I really feel inside. I think that at times I know what I really want to write, but am afraid to really write it down. So I sit and think of other things to write instead. Well, thats just not being honest with you, and thats just not being true to this body of work. I re-read my latest journals and I admit they are a little sad. Especially the one about my son. But when I wrote it that is what was at the forefront of my mind and that was how I was truelly feeling . Nothing has really changed with my son as of yet, but at least acknowledging how I feel by sharing it with you is helping me really see things as they are. Maybe in some this will help me find a way to restore the love and fun in my relationship with him.
I have been finding myself thinking alot about love lately. I notice that I daydream and fantasize even. A part of me says that I shouldn't be feeling this way , but as I've said before....you cannot control how you feel, you just do. I was lying in bed last night thinking of so many things......mainly about how happy I feel surrounded by love. I asked myself "if I was able to pick any dream and really live the dream.....which dream would I choose?" After this I layed my head back, closed my eyes and let my mind wander. Here is what I saw:
I saw an exotic, warm, enchanting place full of magic and mystery. I saw myself as if I was hovering above myself.............and I was beautiful. I was the total vision of health and natural beauty. My whole being just radiating love.
I saw myself with a slender willowly body. My skin was smooth and fair. The most luxurious long wavy golden hair tumbles down my bare shoulders like ribbons of bright light. I'm wearing the softest Ivory silken robe. A long fragile silver chain hangs around my delicate neck. On the chain hangs a single pink crystal shaped like a heart....which gently rests between my breasts.
I'm waiting for my lover to come to me this warm starlit night. He rides the finest white stallion through the lush forest, sorrounded by the scent of the warm night air. He is the finest man I have ever known. His eyes are as blue as the ocean. His smile melts my heart. His skin is fair and smooth. I find myself longing to run my fingers through his wavy hair and softly caress his cheek.
My heart races as I wait for him to come to me. I imagine his strong arms embracing me in the warm summer breeze. The feel of his cheek touching mine. I remember every detail about him. His scent. The way he touches me.......the way he makes me feel. The feel of his lips kissing mine...
I find myself lost in a dream within a dream.. I ache for him to come to me this night. Maybe he will take me with him somewhere magical...and adventure perhaps. Maybe he will stay with me all night this time. We could love each other under the stars in the soft warmth of my bed till sunrise.
And finally he arrives....
Well, I never even knew I could write like this. Maybe I should try writing romance novels. So I guess to answer my question at the very beginning of this journal, my dream that I would wish to really live is one of eternal love and beauty. The whole idea of being in love makes my heart sing. I feel as though I could fly away. The most magical times of my life are when I am in love......and sharing my love with my soulmate.
I realize that this book will definately change me and my confessions to you will no doubt change the shape of my future.
...............But without these words, and without my own truth...there is no book to write.
I pray to the goddess who brings so much goodness to my life to continue to give me strength to continue on my path.....and courage to keep sharing my heart.
Maya
I have been finding myself thinking alot about love lately. I notice that I daydream and fantasize even. A part of me says that I shouldn't be feeling this way , but as I've said before....you cannot control how you feel, you just do. I was lying in bed last night thinking of so many things......mainly about how happy I feel surrounded by love. I asked myself "if I was able to pick any dream and really live the dream.....which dream would I choose?" After this I layed my head back, closed my eyes and let my mind wander. Here is what I saw:
I saw an exotic, warm, enchanting place full of magic and mystery. I saw myself as if I was hovering above myself.............and I was beautiful. I was the total vision of health and natural beauty. My whole being just radiating love.
I saw myself with a slender willowly body. My skin was smooth and fair. The most luxurious long wavy golden hair tumbles down my bare shoulders like ribbons of bright light. I'm wearing the softest Ivory silken robe. A long fragile silver chain hangs around my delicate neck. On the chain hangs a single pink crystal shaped like a heart....which gently rests between my breasts.
I'm waiting for my lover to come to me this warm starlit night. He rides the finest white stallion through the lush forest, sorrounded by the scent of the warm night air. He is the finest man I have ever known. His eyes are as blue as the ocean. His smile melts my heart. His skin is fair and smooth. I find myself longing to run my fingers through his wavy hair and softly caress his cheek.
My heart races as I wait for him to come to me. I imagine his strong arms embracing me in the warm summer breeze. The feel of his cheek touching mine. I remember every detail about him. His scent. The way he touches me.......the way he makes me feel. The feel of his lips kissing mine...
I find myself lost in a dream within a dream.. I ache for him to come to me this night. Maybe he will take me with him somewhere magical...and adventure perhaps. Maybe he will stay with me all night this time. We could love each other under the stars in the soft warmth of my bed till sunrise.
And finally he arrives....
Well, I never even knew I could write like this. Maybe I should try writing romance novels. So I guess to answer my question at the very beginning of this journal, my dream that I would wish to really live is one of eternal love and beauty. The whole idea of being in love makes my heart sing. I feel as though I could fly away. The most magical times of my life are when I am in love......and sharing my love with my soulmate.
I realize that this book will definately change me and my confessions to you will no doubt change the shape of my future.
...............But without these words, and without my own truth...there is no book to write.
I pray to the goddess who brings so much goodness to my life to continue to give me strength to continue on my path.....and courage to keep sharing my heart.
Maya
Starry Night...
If there were words to tell my story
what would they say?
My emotions run as deep and blue
as an ocean on a starry night.
Maya 2008
what would they say?
My emotions run as deep and blue
as an ocean on a starry night.
Maya 2008
Your eyes...
Blue skies.
Blue eyes.
Sparkling and magical.
Soft breeze.
Shady trees.
Tender kisses and caresses.
Maya
January 25th, 2008
Blue eyes.
Sparkling and magical.
Soft breeze.
Shady trees.
Tender kisses and caresses.
Maya
January 25th, 2008
My Inspiration...
Maya,
May your words be honest and true.
For they shall set you free.
And always remember.
I will forever love thee.
Jimmy
Sept 19th, 2007
May your words be honest and true.
For they shall set you free.
And always remember.
I will forever love thee.
Jimmy
Sept 19th, 2007
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Confessions (Two)
I'm feeling so many things lately. A part of my life is the happiest it has ever been. My relationship with my husband is wonderful. I have a few very close friends that I love to be with and give me so much joy. I have the most loving friend in the world in my life.......he brings me so much happiness.
Then there is the part of my life that brings me so much sadness.......my relationship with my son. I know I have written about him before in my journals. So you must know that it has been difficult at times. The thing is that I don't think it has gotten any better. Maybe even worse than ever. He makes life so miserable for me. I honestly don't think he has ever been happy. I've tried and tried, but it seems useless. I've asked the goddess for guidance and strength. The only thing that seems to work is to just let him be. I honestly feel he really dislikes me. It's hard to live in the same house with someone who makes you feel that way........especially if it's your own flesh and blood. I try to give him my love, but he has always rejected it. Sometimes, as much as I love my home, I just feel like running away from home because he makes me feel so horrible about myself.....like I'm a failure as a mother....as a person. The resentment in his eyes and the distaste for me in the way he speaks almost makes me physically ill. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for the other parts of my life that bring me happiness, I wouldn't know what I would do.
I find myself looking for excuses to get away for a day here and there..............just so I don't have to feel so bad about myself. Sometimes I think that maybe I really have let him down in some way. I've always thought I gave him what he needed, but he is the type that always wants more. He expresses his disdain for everything about our life that I have worked so hard all these years to build. I feel that maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mom...............and I'm being really serious when I say that. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not one of your 'typical' mothers. I raised both my children to be independent spirits, with the freedom to express themselves. I've opened my home to their friends, allowed for parties, sleep overs, movie nights, vacations................whatever I could do. But it's just not enough I guess. Maybe there is something more I'm supposed to be doing, I just don't know anymore.
Well, I promised to be honest with you and this is how I'm feeling lately. Beaten down again. I keep envisioning life like I want it to be when it comes to my son....I can only hope that I have the power to create it. I just want him to be nice to me.....................is that too much to ask??
Feeling the way I do is making everything else harder these days. I find myself looking for an escape. The only time I really feel happy and like my true self is when I am not around him. I guess you can say that when you dread seeing your own child something is definately wrong.
I know things will improve..........I'll stay on the path. But I am getting weary from feeling this way...... I'll always love him no matter what. I'll just keep trying...
Maya xxoxoxoxo
Then there is the part of my life that brings me so much sadness.......my relationship with my son. I know I have written about him before in my journals. So you must know that it has been difficult at times. The thing is that I don't think it has gotten any better. Maybe even worse than ever. He makes life so miserable for me. I honestly don't think he has ever been happy. I've tried and tried, but it seems useless. I've asked the goddess for guidance and strength. The only thing that seems to work is to just let him be. I honestly feel he really dislikes me. It's hard to live in the same house with someone who makes you feel that way........especially if it's your own flesh and blood. I try to give him my love, but he has always rejected it. Sometimes, as much as I love my home, I just feel like running away from home because he makes me feel so horrible about myself.....like I'm a failure as a mother....as a person. The resentment in his eyes and the distaste for me in the way he speaks almost makes me physically ill. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for the other parts of my life that bring me happiness, I wouldn't know what I would do.
I find myself looking for excuses to get away for a day here and there..............just so I don't have to feel so bad about myself. Sometimes I think that maybe I really have let him down in some way. I've always thought I gave him what he needed, but he is the type that always wants more. He expresses his disdain for everything about our life that I have worked so hard all these years to build. I feel that maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mom...............and I'm being really serious when I say that. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not one of your 'typical' mothers. I raised both my children to be independent spirits, with the freedom to express themselves. I've opened my home to their friends, allowed for parties, sleep overs, movie nights, vacations................whatever I could do. But it's just not enough I guess. Maybe there is something more I'm supposed to be doing, I just don't know anymore.
Well, I promised to be honest with you and this is how I'm feeling lately. Beaten down again. I keep envisioning life like I want it to be when it comes to my son....I can only hope that I have the power to create it. I just want him to be nice to me.....................is that too much to ask??
Feeling the way I do is making everything else harder these days. I find myself looking for an escape. The only time I really feel happy and like my true self is when I am not around him. I guess you can say that when you dread seeing your own child something is definately wrong.
I know things will improve..........I'll stay on the path. But I am getting weary from feeling this way...... I'll always love him no matter what. I'll just keep trying...
Maya xxoxoxoxo
Confessions (One)
So many things...................have happened to me since I last shared with you. Some things good, and some things not so good. I can honestly say that I never have a boring day. Something unexpected always presents itself. Just when I think I might be closer to figuring out my life, something happens to show me that I'm only taking baby steps .
I find myself wantiing to hibernate lately and I'm not quite sure if it's because of the season or because of the growing phase I am in. My life has changed quite a bit in the last year or so. I think you could say that I have settled down quite a bit. I seem to be spending more time at home unless I am working . I find that when I am working, I'm yearning to be in my home. I feel such a sense of peace and comfort in my home and never seem to tire of it. More and more I am realizing that I cannot continue with my current profession forever and be happy. I am a good nurse, and love to care for people....................but it's when I'm here writing to you that I feel most alive and purposeful.
I really hope that my first book is a success for me so I can continue to spend more time writing and sharing with you. My dream is to be able to experience all that this life has to offer me, and share it with you. There are so many things that I still want to experience in this lifetime...........but unfortunatly I know that continuing with the type of physical work that I do for any extended period of time will decrease the probability of me ever being able to achieve my dreams. So, in sharing that with you, I hope that you will continue to follow me on my path.........my journey.
I'm going to really try to share and be honest with you about what's 'really' going on with me in my coming journals. And I have to admit that it is a bit scary for me to open myself up this way. I want to talk to you about my relationships. I've expressed with you already in my journals that my life is not 'mainstream'. I do have a 'open' relationship with my husband. We have had this type of relationship for about 5 years now. Although I realize that many do not agree with our arrangement......or understand it, I'd like to share that the relationships I have had have brought me some of my greatest joys. I have learned volumes about myself, my husband, and others along the way. I have experienced love of many kinds. I have found other soulmates along the way. I have found true friends.................and learned to recognize false ones. I have been loved like I never thought possible.............and I have been hurt like I never imagined I could.....
This book is dedicated to you, my faithful friend who is following me on my pathways. I hope that you will keep an open mind as you read my private thoughts. What I am sharing is the most personal thing in the world to me............my feelings. I don't know why I love like I do, but I do. I sometimes wonder if I'm normal because I feel so much sometimes. I feel I need to share with you because there must be someone else who will read my thoughts that understands how I feel, and maybe reading about my experiences will bring them some comfort.
I hope you decide to stay with me. Lets get started...
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxo
I find myself wantiing to hibernate lately and I'm not quite sure if it's because of the season or because of the growing phase I am in. My life has changed quite a bit in the last year or so. I think you could say that I have settled down quite a bit. I seem to be spending more time at home unless I am working . I find that when I am working, I'm yearning to be in my home. I feel such a sense of peace and comfort in my home and never seem to tire of it. More and more I am realizing that I cannot continue with my current profession forever and be happy. I am a good nurse, and love to care for people....................but it's when I'm here writing to you that I feel most alive and purposeful.
I really hope that my first book is a success for me so I can continue to spend more time writing and sharing with you. My dream is to be able to experience all that this life has to offer me, and share it with you. There are so many things that I still want to experience in this lifetime...........but unfortunatly I know that continuing with the type of physical work that I do for any extended period of time will decrease the probability of me ever being able to achieve my dreams. So, in sharing that with you, I hope that you will continue to follow me on my path.........my journey.
I'm going to really try to share and be honest with you about what's 'really' going on with me in my coming journals. And I have to admit that it is a bit scary for me to open myself up this way. I want to talk to you about my relationships. I've expressed with you already in my journals that my life is not 'mainstream'. I do have a 'open' relationship with my husband. We have had this type of relationship for about 5 years now. Although I realize that many do not agree with our arrangement......or understand it, I'd like to share that the relationships I have had have brought me some of my greatest joys. I have learned volumes about myself, my husband, and others along the way. I have experienced love of many kinds. I have found other soulmates along the way. I have found true friends.................and learned to recognize false ones. I have been loved like I never thought possible.............and I have been hurt like I never imagined I could.....
This book is dedicated to you, my faithful friend who is following me on my pathways. I hope that you will keep an open mind as you read my private thoughts. What I am sharing is the most personal thing in the world to me............my feelings. I don't know why I love like I do, but I do. I sometimes wonder if I'm normal because I feel so much sometimes. I feel I need to share with you because there must be someone else who will read my thoughts that understands how I feel, and maybe reading about my experiences will bring them some comfort.
I hope you decide to stay with me. Lets get started...
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxo
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