Confessions (Two)

I'm feeling so many things lately. A part of my life is the happiest it has ever been. My relationship with my husband is wonderful. I have a few very close friends that I love to be with and give me so much joy. I have the most loving friend in the world in my life.......he brings me so much happiness.

Then there is the part of my life that brings me so much sadness.......my relationship with my son. I know I have written about him before in my journals. So you must know that it has been difficult at times. The thing is that I don't think it has gotten any better. Maybe even worse than ever. He makes life so miserable for me. I honestly don't think he has ever been happy. I've tried and tried, but it seems useless. I've asked the goddess for guidance and strength. The only thing that seems to work is to just let him be. I honestly feel he really dislikes me. It's hard to live in the same house with someone who makes you feel that way........especially if it's your own flesh and blood. I try to give him my love, but he has always rejected it. Sometimes, as much as I love my home, I just feel like running away from home because he makes me feel so horrible about myself.....like I'm a failure as a mother....as a person. The resentment in his eyes and the distaste for me in the way he speaks almost makes me physically ill. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for the other parts of my life that bring me happiness, I wouldn't know what I would do.

I find myself looking for excuses to get away for a day here and there..............just so I don't have to feel so bad about myself. Sometimes I think that maybe I really have let him down in some way. I've always thought I gave him what he needed, but he is the type that always wants more. He expresses his disdain for everything about our life that I have worked so hard all these years to build. I feel that maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mom...............and I'm being really serious when I say that. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not one of your 'typical' mothers. I raised both my children to be independent spirits, with the freedom to express themselves. I've opened my home to their friends, allowed for parties, sleep overs, movie nights, vacations................whatever I could do. But it's just not enough I guess. Maybe there is something more I'm supposed to be doing, I just don't know anymore.

Well, I promised to be honest with you and this is how I'm feeling lately. Beaten down again. I keep envisioning life like I want it to be when it comes to my son....I can only hope that I have the power to create it. I just want him to be nice to me.....................is that too much to ask??

Feeling the way I do is making everything else harder these days. I find myself looking for an escape. The only time I really feel happy and like my true self is when I am not around him. I guess you can say that when you dread seeing your own child something is definately wrong.

I know things will improve..........I'll stay on the path. But I am getting weary from feeling this way...... I'll always love him no matter what. I'll just keep trying...

Maya xxoxoxoxo